Wednesday, December 31, 2008

National Body Challenge

Yep, It's National Body Challenge time. And I'm signing up and trying again. Why? Because I continue to fight with my weight and health. It's a constant and it's depressing, which creates a vicious cycle.

So how did I get here? Years of not paying attention and being lazy, to be honest. When I was younger I was an excellent athlete. I played every sport under the sun. And I played it well. I had a name and an image. I don't know if it was the injury that caused my lack of enthusiasm or just trying to live up to the image. But at some point I gave up. I started to hide under a layer of chubby.

Unless you've fought the battle you can't truly understand the toll it takes on your mind and body. And it is a vicious cycle. You realize you put on 10 lbs and you think, "That's easy to fix." So you work at it. You exercise. You diet. And six months later, you realize you took off 10 lbs but gained back 20. Thus beings the yo-yo. Two steps forward, three steps back. Years go by. Next thing you know, you step on the scale and are completely disgusted with yourself. You've gone up 5-6 sizes and your clothes don't fit...again. Now you have a hard time with exercise because your joints ache and your body just won't do the things it used to do. That, in itself, is depressing all over again...and you order cheesecake to feel better.

The problem is that none of the food stuffing makes it better. It does great things to the chemicals in your brain, but it ruins your body. Now you begin to feel horribly unattractive. You buy baggy clothes. You hide out in your house. You turn down invitations to go out. You become a hermit. And you eat more.

Once a year, on New Year's, you make that resolution to change, join a gym, exercise daily, and eat more healthy. Once a year. Three weeks pass and you become disappointed at the lack of instant success. You proclaim yourself a failure and hide in your house with Blue Bell ice cream. And the cycle starts again.

So, it's New Year's and time for my annual resolution to get in better shape. I tell myself that it is a journey, not a sprint and it will take time. It took time to get here. It will take time to get back. Somehow, it's little comfort when you turn around in the shower and clean the walls with your backside. (fat humor)

I guess I'm writing to make myself accountable to someone. To you, my gentle readers. I need to do this and be consistent. I need to gain control again. I know at 49, I'm not going to be the athlete I once was. Fibromyalgia and age have taken care of that. But I do want to be healthy again. I want to be able to walk my dogs without gasping for breath. I want to be able to go out with my precious partner without feeling like people are looking wondering what a cute little thing like her is doing with a chubby like me. The inner talk is deafening! I want to tell it to go away.

I ask for your prayers and positive energy as I embark on this journey. I pray it's not another failed attempt, but a success and that I have the "stick to it-ness" it will take. So, here I go again...

Happy New Year's to all!

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